Hello again non existent readers,I’ve decided to stop the tale of my rejection for a little bit because I could take that story so many different ways .I’m not sure why you guys seem to have liked it or why you find some miserable sod whinging about her life entertaining but I’m glad you do.
So I get anxious alot…
Like seriously A lot
Sometimes for reasons I’m not sure of and it’s starting to be a problem.I’ve been living my life one nervous habit to the next.Nail biting ,hair fidiling,skin puling ,thigh rubing hand flaping it’s like my usual tics on steroids. I must look possessed.(by the way I’m fully aware my spelling is atrocious however my tablet keeps saving the wrong spellings and correcting half written words to wrong spellings so essentially my tablets a spastic) People are starting to notice I can only state out the window and bite my nails for so long I can’t hide my migraine for ever ,I can only blame my silence on tiredness for so long until people catch on. And that’s the last thing I want. The thing is with anxiety is you know that most of the time it’s irrational you know that you’ll get judged and even if you don’t you don’t want people to worry because at least to me the people around me are my motivation I get up in the morning for them so they see me as my happy self and I don’t what that image broken . I’Is like I’m trapped in a porcelain doll the outside is pretty and perfect a little to perfect it’s fragile and when it breaks your left with me damaged and messy.The only reason I get up anymore is for my friends I don’t sleep I don’t eat much unless I’m in school I eat in school so that people will not worry.I’m the strong one i help every one else up and no ones left to help me so I suck it up and move on and just pray that no one notices the circles round my eyes Im always a jokester I can’t go silent I have to be noisy and flamboyant or people start to get worried so I year my self apart to entertain because i feel that that’s what they deserve they give me confidence they make me everything I am but I have nothing to give them in return.They love me to bit s but loving me isn’t worth it when there are so many other people people who aren’t broken people that can socialise with out having a panic attackattack (my tablet won’t let me spell that right)
The worst part is I don’t know why I’m anxious half of the time it’s frustrating .To make matters worse the frustration and anxiety combined make me feel sick I get Dizzy and I forget walking from place to place I get headaches and dull pains and it makes me disoriented it’s like I’m floating it feels like the beginning of the worst viral infection ever and within 2 minutes and 2hours it’s gone.The only reason I know it’s anxiety is because despite it all I can hold a conversation and still make people laugh and everything I would normally do it s like being a puppet that only just firgued out they had strings . Even if they knew they can’t stop it only I can do that and I don’t know notice been through this all before I’m underwater and they are screaming at me to get up but there voices are distorted they can’t swim for me .I have an appointment for it soon I could be diagnosed with something on top of autisim and I can only hope I don’t
This was meant to go up yesterday but I ended up going to sleep I hope you have a lovely Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate – Rose X update my tablet has finally stopped glitching and let me correct most of the mistake sorry if you read the original and it didn’t make more sense – future Rose x