a funny type of love

Hello again my non existent readers ,I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while long story short school happened and I’ve had no desire to get out of my pyjamas let alone drag my self to then pc to write.

People assume that autistic people are empty echoing shells baron of emotion devoid of love . But if anything I think we are the opposite we feel too much  we cry over little things we get angry and scream and shout because we care our outbursts are justified not to you but to us . We love and we feel sadness and anger and betrayal and hurt like everyone else does. Our love isn’t normal to most its a funny kind of love but its there all the same .

Just like you normal people we love our friends families we get crushes later in life we get boyfriends and even get married .Its ridiculous that this is even a stereotype. For me personally I feel love very strongly I just never know how to show it so it comes out awkward and strange. I remember the first time I ever asked some one out I had liked them for years I just thought that if I left it  it would go away but it didn’t. And I told this girl Orla   we were kind of friends at the time and  she promised 3 times she would wait till I was ready .Heads up she didn’t .She did it for me .In front of his friends .  Not my best moment.. Ahh don’t you just love reliving you child hood trauma ..actually that was only a year ago but two year ago trauma doesn’t sound right so deal with it. Any way moving on   he walked up to me and went is what Orla said is true and I kinda awkwardly    mumbled yeah  and it he tried to make a  joke of it more for me then him .I always kinda suspected he was autistic his brother was and at our school they take autistic people deaf people any kind of disabilities to the school for a tour before moving up and there was nothing else that I could possibly think of so it was oddly suspicious plus are demeanour was very similar either way I’m  glad it was him  and not any one else

bye my non existent readers I’m glad to be back and I hope you enjoyed the cringy anecdote in this post I should hopefully upload again soon see you later

-Rose xx

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things I don’t understand 1

hello again my non existent readers I’ve got lots of little things I want to talk about so I’m going to compile them into these sort of posts which is why I added the number 1 to the title as this is definitively something I want to revisit without further ado I give you 3 things that my aspie self just cant understand .

unsolicited hugs

Don’t touch me just don’t there is a good chance I will look at you like you have descended from mars . Why do people do this why is this a greeting oh hi  I’m  your friend now let me squeeze you to death without asking. If we are both agreeing on this sure go a head ,but I have friends who just walk up to me and hug me and I’m standing there limp wondering how long its gonna be before they detach themselves from me . I just wanna tell them they have 3 seconds to run just no.., why.

taking things back .

I’m all for taking things back if you didn’t mean them but taking it back to spare my feeling just makes me feel worse for instance when I’m in an argument with a friend and they are just annoyed they have to share oxygen with me(*cough cough *Michelle /my entire”friends group” *cough cough*)and then proceed to take it back the moment I cry .They clearly meant everything they said but because you reduced me to tears its all cancelled now and usually they end up continuing the argument after I stop don’t try and act like you care if you don’t be straight with me I’m a big girl I can handle it . There worst type of this is when they apologise and then immediately undo said apology for instance I forgive you when they were the once causing problems, I forgive you but I don’t forgive so and so,I forgive you but you must admit it was your fault,im sorry but I couldn’t help it etc .Anything were they have to get the last word and your left not sure weather or not kicking of again is worth it or if you just have to grin sand bear it  just bothers me so much.

any one my age

I don’t know were to start with this but what is it with my generation.Were owning ugly clothes that are only popular because they have a celebs name pasted up the side of it riding bikes into oncoming traffic and speaking some cryptic language piff ting wagwan in it blood  having literally no soul and being some brain dead zombie to social media constitutes being cool and is seen as normal  the funniest thing is my parents spoke the same way when they were kids they think they being original and cool but they’re not while they’re obsessed over love island (aka the I come from Liverpool Essex or Leeds I can have sex look at me oh no I’m not enjoying the attention at all whoo im a celebrity now  even though I have no talent and am a complete chav show ) or there fancy watch trying to pretend they’re adults and throwing there brain cells out the window or what ever it is they do everyone else are actually enjoying being kids having fun and actually learning and not being blissfully ignorant for example a kid in my school legitimately did not know what Brexit was or even that it happened or another kid thought that English was the first language there was come on were in senior/high school . How dumb can you be . Honestly I can talk about school and kids from an autistic view all day but I should probably stop .

Thanks for reading my non existent reader I hope to see you again soon Rose X

I’m back

hello non-existent readers you’ll be glad to know I’m back with a WIFI connection once again I uploaded a post about overloads but it doesn’t look like any of you have seen it but it says I’m published it ,if its not uploaded please let me know so I can re upload it thank you -Rose X

overloads

Sorry its been a while my oh so lovely non existent readers, how could I own an autism blog without mentioning the dreaded sensory overload.

As an autistic female I don’t overload as much as most boys do I tend to wait till I get home and have one twice as violent lock my self in my bedroom and throw things at walls .(charming I know) My main causes are generally as follows 1 the existence of other people eg crowded places or egotistical idiots thinking they’re better than every one else (A.K.A ninety percent of my school)2 Noise 3 this kind of relates to one but people expecting me to behave normally the moment some one drops the n word (no not that one get your mind out of the gutter!) I either accidentally-or purposely depending on who’s asking- do the opposite and drive myself other the deep end for not being a functioning human … I suppose it my normal …? Why don’t we go over some of my overloads. I just love going on trips down emotional trau… MEMORY lane.

No grease just no melt down.

This is one of my rare out of nowhere screw this meltdowns in food tech we had to use our bare hands for sausage meat .I was struggling with it have problems with texture. But I made it through  though most of my mates were taking the mickey because when I touched it and since I don’t like grease I physically recoiled and almost took a stool with me .They were just messing about, in my school they split classes into two for catering I got the best half of my class and there’s no one I completely refuse to talk to in there in fact I quite enjoy it . After washing my hands in between each step looking like a mannequin with all the blood drained from my face and having a look on my face as if a convicted serial killer had just entered the room  I was relieved to get the anxiety off my shoulders and stat to clean up . It was fine or so I thought . My friend (well name him Jayson )said “Rose- almost wrote my real name then- you go do the washing up” .I told him I was cleaning the table so he made a start I said I would dry and then he was like you have do some too and I said things like you don’t understand I cant … he called me a wimp and I lost it. I had a crying fit in the middle of class every on was asking me if it was okay and saying it was fine  all my friends were hugging me even some of the boys hugged me (it didn’t help I don’t like being touched) and I walked out the room he apologised were fine, still not my greatest moment.

 The screw you Michelle argument/meltdown

Guess whose back back, back again gain. Who remembers Michelle from my first post well she’s back and just as obnoxious. To tell this one im going to have to give you a bit of background but ill try to do it quick for once:

  • remember my friend James well he got picked on by a scumbag of a person named erm Ronald
  • Ronald decided that by standing up for him I was therefore his girlfriend and he and his army of minions or the prick patrol as Jayson calls them need to bug me too .
  • I have a track record for disagreeing with the popular look at mes im so perfects from my school so they hate me or they hate me by association occasionally they might be nice to me though  they most likely have ulterior motives .
  • some how it works out in my school that 60 percent of them are popular which is probably really bad structure for a hierarchy but would I know I’m just a peasant with no friends .(yes I know I sound salty )
  • Francis is the leader even though he is a rampant chauvinist with severe attitude problems and a repulsion to all lgbtq+ people and  has  a special spot in the underworld reserved for him.

and were up to speed. So I try to tell Michelle who was ranting about her new dog her only notable personality trait besides being obnoxious is loving dogs probably because she is one (Ill stop being salty now.) that Ronald followed me Jayson James and our other friend Laura home threatening to punch Jason for not apologising for insulting him and one of the little rats  billy also lives down my street is going “Do  it now there’s nothing she can do about it” because they all know full well I am double their strength . I tell her he’s bullying me she looks me in the eyes and rolls her eyes I wanted to launch my self at her but I stay still as she drones on about how he’s actually quite funny . I let it slip till the next day (maybe three days at most) Francis who id already argued with before walks up to me and my group and starts saying things like are your all sat next to each other are you lesbians oi  lads  I think rose and her friends are lezzers so I tell him I’m not  his response to that is oh yeah your having it on with Jayson and James  look its the little albino who stuck her middle finger up at as last time ( he was referring to my friend Ella-may who is indeed very pale but not albeenoe as the un educated clown said it) then they just start spouting abuse at me .While all this is happening Michelle seems to have for gotten her ” bestie” emphasis on the air quotes is being insulted and is laughing along and smiling . reminiscent of the first story I told her she was being a idiot stormed off-my best friend Sandra in toe-burst in to tears in the toilet while people were staring at me and just my luck some one in my class sees and questioned me about it I swear to god I should’ve slapped her that day.

the 3 2 1 incident 

Back story remember the nod I made to punching some one in my second post that is this story . Lets do this quickly shall we Oprah is easily the least pleasant person I know she has been since reception might I add her hobbies include making fake social media accounts of people using money to wiggle her way in to cliques my clique (well if you can call it that I’m not exactly happy there but whatever ) and generally just ruining lives for sport much like the last story she makes fun of me since I was a goody two shoes before and didn’t ever swear it sends people in a state of shock I swore at her majesty the royal highness and minions a taken aghast I say I know you don’t have a brain but please don’t tell me you lost your ears too she says I doo have ears and you doo too and yanks my ear I tell her touch me one more time and see what happens female dog -except my choice of words were more … profane . They follow me home pretending to touch me fast forward no more than two weeks I go to tutor to grab my pe kit she pokes me 3 times hard I elbow her harder on my way out and say I said don’t touch me I wish you lost your hands and not  your brain. The retard that is Stanley eggs her on she pokes me . This part is mostly blacked out  but in 3 2 1 I snap and go for her elbow her in the ribs as hard as possible she has her hands out fun fact I’m standing at the top of a tower four flights up with currently boarded up panels at the bottoms of the windows because of construction. If she was to push me I would go through it .She takes one step  closer I punch her twice I must have ran because I remember my friend Sandra saying come back up Mrs last name wants you and I got up she is standing smugly thinking I’m going to get in trouble I get called to a senior members office in tears one of my class mates is in the room staring at me I’m hyperventilating Oprahs standing there emotionless Stanley gets called in and … I get of scot free thanks  to Mrs.Last name . I managed to get Stanley out of it and he still treats me like trash to this day what a fun story … at least I haven’t had to deal with her again.

thank you for reading I might not post for a while as I’m going to be up north Monday to Sunday so if I do write it will be done from my laggy (back at again with non existent words for my non existent readers on my half functioning blog) old tablet so my writing might have a lot more mistakes than usual  bye non existent readers -Rose X

PS I found some really cool art that is pretty much an illustration of my feelings and I wanna share them with you.

 

aspie art 1aspie art 2aspie art 3

 

 

 

roses rampant rant time

welcome back non existent readers I’m back I’m sorry its been a while I’ve been busy and debating over which topic I want to talk about. I want to do a post about celebrities in autisim but I don’t feel I’m able to write that quite yet without sounding like one of those patronising articles about how autistic people are inspirational and so on I’ve sure you’ve seen some tabloid floating about with one of these articles. At some point I want to talk about my diagnosis process but I’m not sure if I can do that without having some sort of existential crisis so instead I’m going to talk about some of the stigma around autisim … get ready for the rant which I’m sure will happen (at least it shows I’m … passionate?)
I’m going to warn you non existent readers as some of you may find this offensive but I feel these need to be acknowledged… this is hard for me to write especially as in our school we have class group chats and people having no idea I’m not neurotypical send these and I just want to rip their heads of but I cant without looking like a triggered social justice warrior or raising suspicions but here come the autistic school shooting memes … I cant believe these are going to be in my f@@@@@@g search history PS  the one with the boy about a disco party  and the heros never die is a real thing someone posted on the aforementioned group chat.

 

delete this 3delete this 4delete this 5delete this 6delete this 2delete this 1

these are real things that are being posted .I promised myself I wouldn’t cry while creating this but the fact I could scroll down and have my pick I promise you I wasn’t cherry picking its absolutely disgusting that these pieces of scum are still being created. I thought what’s a couple of offensive memes but now I see just how many there are it infuriates me. I don’t know what’s worse the fact we are being labelled as “tards” or the fact it makes light of school shootings. On the other hand I can see how to some autistic memes could be funny to even asd people like there was one meme that says when my autistic son finds out chicken is for dinner accompanied by a kid with his mouth wide open that can be funny. And if people aren’t allowed to joke about this stuff than what can they joke about that’s the thing .I’m conflicted because one half of me says this is offensive it needs to stop yet another half of me says yeah but people should be allowed to have fun and laugh at themselves because if we cant then we cant joke about anything and it just builds up more tension. To add to these memes half of  them are themed around school shootings which is just worse its a serious issue and then the ones that aren’t about shootings we are referred to as tards come on its twenty bloody eighteen and we are still being called tards its so backwards and the people I know are posting these memes some of them are friends with openly autistic people and half of them say things like this around me and don’t suspect a thing. once again were being made the but of the joke to our faces as well there’s a kid in my school who is autistic not severe but enough for him to stick out were friends and hearing people saying oh James was doing this yesterday the freak carries  this  James carries that he was dancing with this thing the other day ( he wasn’t he was having a sensory overload)it makes me sick yet again not joking only causes more stigma but surely having a bit of a joke doesn’t require things like this me and my friends have jokes between us such as when she wont talk to people in public I say “when the aspie has better social skills than you should be worried now come on” I don’t feel that’s offensive given the context but regardless of the context these are just unacceptable I’m so conflicted I’m going to stop repeating the same point 60 times and leave now sorry about my little bit of a rant (PS little is a little but a lot … back at it again with the fake words) goodbye my lovely non existent readers -Rose X

co ordination

hello non existent readers  its nice to see you again,I’m sorry if I seem out of it in this post I cant do anything but stare at my computer screen in awe as the views and likes accumulate. I thought id be writing for months before I got this far I know this seems stupid as there are barley any compared to other people but I thought I was just a drop in a sea of more interesting blogs it seemed absurd any one would pay attention to me. Yet here we are. to day I’m going to talk about my coordination and therefore lack of it

Lets talk about my coordination for a moment non existent reader and moment over because I don’t have any . Co ordination is one of the physical attributes of autisim people don’t often see or think about .Personally its probably the thing I struggle with most being female and autistic means I’m perfectly fine at doing most tasks  people ask me to do and save my explosive tantrums for home but my bad co ordination is something I cant train my self out of .I often do stupid little things like getting lipstick on my nose or  poking myself in the eye whilst trying to get a stray piece of hair into my ponytail. However it does more than that its very frustrating sometimes I find my self crying tears of frustration because I have a perfect image of what some thing should look like in my head but when I attempt to do it my coordination simply won’t allow me to it was the reason I could ride a bike until 9 and still cant swim except for some deranged doggy paddle .

Yet some how I have perfect balance and good control when it comes to these sort of things  which just makes it all the more obnoxious. I want to learn music but I cant play the most basic tune I, want to do plays at a local theatre with some of my mates but I know my choreography will be off ,I can draw but no one will believe me because it takes me days to refine a sketch enough for it to even be worth being called good and sometimes it just gets on my nerves that’s why I like writing and reading it gives me an outlet a place of escape where all that exists are me and the words co existing and for a while I’m not me any more and  all my problems are forgotten but even then I’m too afraid to show my work to any one and when I look dawn and see it in my scrawly ( some one please get me a dictionary I’m using fake words again.)handwriting it ruins the illusion.

thank you once again oh so non existent readers I’ve been having a bit of writers block and wrote 3 different things today before deciding this one would be good enough I hope you enjoyed it -Rose x

 

 

much excitement

hello again non existent readers it seem s you may be existent after all I cant believe I even made it to 3(five now that im editing this) followers I cant thank you enough because word press is adding me to the actually autistic blog list ill finally get to express my self and have people see it you don’t understand how excited I am this means a great deal to me I’ve been working on two posts the last couple of days but as I read them I realised I sounded a bit over the top in them so I made the decision not to post them ill be back soon though goodbye

-rose x