The anxiety. Level it’s over 90000

Hello again non existent readers,I’ve decided to stop the tale of my rejection for a little bit because I could take that story so many different ways .I’m not sure why you guys seem to have liked it or why you find some miserable sod whinging about her life entertaining but I’m glad you do.

So I get anxious alot…

Like seriously A lot

Sometimes for reasons I’m not sure of and it’s starting to be a problem.I’ve been living my life one nervous habit to the next.Nail biting ,hair fidiling,skin puling ,thigh rubing hand flaping it’s like my usual tics on steroids. I must look possessed.(by the way I’m fully aware my spelling is atrocious however my tablet keeps saving the wrong spellings and correcting half written words to wrong spellings so essentially my tablets a spastic) People are starting to notice I can only state out the window and bite my nails for so long I can’t hide my migraine for ever ,I can only blame my silence on tiredness for so long until people catch on. And that’s the last thing I want. The thing is with anxiety is you know that most of the time it’s irrational you know that you’ll get judged and even if you don’t you don’t want people to worry because at least to me the people around me are my motivation I  get up in the morning for them so they see me as my happy self and I don’t  what that image broken . I’Is like I’m trapped in a porcelain doll the outside is pretty and perfect a little to perfect  it’s fragile and when it breaks your left with me damaged and messy.The only reason I get up anymore is for my friends I don’t sleep I don’t eat much unless I’m in school I eat in school so that people will not worry.I’m the strong one i help every one else up and  no ones left to help me so I suck it up and move on and just pray that no one notices the circles round my eyes Im always a jokester I can’t go silent I have to be noisy and flamboyant or people start to get worried so I  year  my self apart to entertain because i feel that that’s what they deserve they give me confidence they make me everything I am but I have nothing to give them in return.They love me to bit s but loving me isn’t worth it when there are so many other people people who aren’t broken people that can socialise with out having a panic   attackattack (my tablet won’t let me spell that right)

The worst part is I don’t know why I’m anxious half of the time it’s frustrating .To make matters worse the frustration and anxiety combined make me feel sick I get Dizzy and I forget walking from place to place I get headaches and dull pains and it makes me disoriented it’s like I’m floating it feels like the beginning of the worst viral infection ever and within 2 minutes and 2hours it’s gone.The only reason I know it’s anxiety is because despite it all I can hold a conversation and still make people laugh and everything I would normally do it s like being a puppet that only just firgued out they had strings . Even if they knew they can’t stop it only I can do that and I don’t know notice been through this all before I’m underwater and they are screaming at me to get up  but there voices are distorted they can’t swim for me .I have an appointment for it soon I could be diagnosed with something on top of autisim and I can only hope I don’t

This was meant to go up yesterday but I ended up going to sleep I hope you have a lovely Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate – Rose X update my tablet has finally stopped glitching and let me correct most of the mistake sorry if you read the original and it didn’t make more sense – future Rose x

 

 

 

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Can I get an answer??

Well get straight into it this time of you haven’t seen the last parts please do and here we go

It’s my birthday party I decide to ask him for an answer because my friends are there and ready for me.So we sit on my trampoline and I start texting now what was said was very specific so this isn’t even partly what he said it’s just enough for you to get the picture

Rose:can we talk about what happened

Him:in a bit for to eat

Rose:okay seya

Him:I’m back

Rose:I don’t want you to feel pressured but I kinda need an awnser

Him:you don’t NEED one

Rose :I do

Him:your nice I like you but that’s it

Rose:I don’t get it

Him:you don’t seem to get a lot of things

Rose:look just give me a straight yes or no I don’t care if you think I’m literal scrum I just want answers

~10 minutes of inside jokes and stalling later ~

Rose:Just answer

Him 80% like you

Him:20% just wanna stay comfortable friends

Brief intermission so me and my friends can decipher weather or not that’s  yes or no and if he’s letting me down gently by saying he likes me but then why is that 80% like wtf dude . It never said how he likes me I think I may have just gotten friendzoned but I can’t say for sure .

Rose: look I know things are awkward and I’m sorry if I screwed things up but I need straight answers if you need time I don’t mind I hope this doesn’t stop us being friends but please just awnse r me

Him:rounded up I like you back but I don’t think we’d last together

which if he had paid attention he’s notice that I never asked him for a relationship I asked him if he likes me back to which he said …yes?????????????(infinate question marks )

SPOILER I didn’t get it at this point so I’m about to be stupid and push it

Rose: I still want yes or no it’s really not to hard

Him:I can’t give you one answer but I like you a little

so  in short my answer was yes … But no yes he likes me but no not even he would date that mess (are you noticing a pattern in my life here )

Okay so  were up to speed and now is where the story ends and the rant  begins ,1 )We didn’t have a relationship nothing was followed up. So it was a no just tell me no I can deal with you saying no in a big girl I can handle it for the love just tell me no so I don’t have to decipher your cryptic message, so don’t have to sit up till three am reading it, so I don’t have to psycho analyse it so I don’t figure out what it means literally when I wrote the first post .Evidently you couldn’t have liked me that much of you said no.2)Don’t erase it from your life when we went back he was able to act seamlessly not a single hint of a side glance. It was like that day never happened anyone on the outside wouldn’t even know I honestly feel like I’ve been placed in an alternate universe where I backed out and nothing happened .My friends want me to ask him if he has an awnser again but  it’s too late now so I guess I will just keep waiting for a text message that will never come .3)Don’t be passive aggressive the only clue it ever happened  there’s this vine or a tiktok meme that goes don’t you even like me a little bit …no I don’t even like you a little bit (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QJbW_bN4Vcc here it is watch at your own risk ) he only ever sings it when I’m on his table ….it’s actually takes so much will power to push him across the room. And well talk about Georgia and continue the actual story tomorrow but I would’ve lost my sanity pleas well me if your getting bored of  my teenage angst because of if you are I’ll finish it here but I hoped you  enjoyed it I will see you all soon and please comment any thing you want me to write about and I hope to see you soon -Rose X

Mission mattais

If you haven’t read the last two parts please do .This part is probably going to be the funniest par t before next time which goes into the emotional carnege…excellent.I’m going to try to make the opening short this time as we embark on my tale of rejection.

Our plan is set out path is clear  our squad is assembled via WhatsApp video call we are ready. Sandras at mine were sitting outside even though it’s mid October and to cope with my nerves were listening to music and I’m chugging cold water like there’s no tommorow. I stall for thirty minutes before weakly typing  into our chat and I wait …and I wait …. and I wait. Me and my friends go through every possible scenario while we wait 1 .He could be busy 2maybe his phones dead people’s phones die right? right ? 3 He knows, he has mother effing superpowers he knows and he is going to let me know that he knows and then it’ll be awkward because I don’t know how he knows but he knows and yes that’s not going to happen but seriously guys .WHAT.IF.HE KNOWS. To add to the suspense I will now read the note  to you (well it’s been altered in case he some how finds this ) and add in as many useless details as possible so you can feel the pain I felt ,slough I suppose it’s not particularly painful for you but we just don’t adress that problem. Anyway here is loosely what it said this is going to be awkward but here we go I’ve liked you for ages.I used to think you liked me back but now I know that’s not true. I didn’t know if I’d ever do this I’m sorry I could never do this to your face .Please don’t tell I know to probably will regardless .I didn’t do this sooner coz Georgia.let’s still be friend screw this I’m out .

It’s around the two hour mark and I start stemming like crazy I’ve shaked my had and tapped my foot so many times they feel like separate entities to my body I have my self pins and needles and slapped my desk to regain feeling to my hands I am a ball of nervous energy . At four hours I loose it i text him “I need to ask you something”.When I receive no reply for thirty minutes  my friends start counting down and peer pressure happens without thinking of what happens if he picks up I call him beep beep ——- the phone is put down . In an instance I feel the world fall down around me I know that sounds so dramatic and most of you are shaking your heads and putting whispering cliche teenager dissaprovingly under your breaths but in that moment . I felt it . it’s like when you get caught doing something as a little kid ,or when someone repeats something you said that they weren’t meant to hear , or a phone call late at night and you know nothing good can come of it.The wait for him to respond was a rollercoaster and I had reached the top. I cry to my friends other face time it didn’t look good he could surely assume what was coming and as soon as he saw it it would get around.They try to convince me his phone was dead but that doesn’t explain the initial beeps .

I am defeated the rest  of my friends have long since left  as the hours are growing later.Early for  Was and just as I’m ready to go to bed or more accurately sit and watch particle fall for 8hours ,because how do you sleep after that?I go through all my messages one more time .. He has responded .Our conversations goes roughly as follows

Rose:I need to ask you something

Him:what

Rose:swear you won’t tell

Him:what is it

Rose: *insert more I’ve spent the post five hours obsessing over here *

Rose :It think I already know the answer

Him: And that is

Rose:No???????

Him:I don’t know  what to say

Rose :I don’t think I would

Him:it’s not too surprising but still(side track what in the actual hell does it’s not too surprising mean Rose he think his some kind of atractivness God or am I really that obvious )

Rose:yeah it did come out of the blue

Him: ya think

Me:Just don’t tell anyone okay even if you say no I wont be hurt won’t

Him:I am almost voice

well go over the answer in the next part .I also told Georgia but that also takes a long time and for what was meant to be two parts may soon become five .I understand most of you are older than me because for some reason there isn’t exactly an influx of teenagers reading aspergers blogs on WordPress so this is probably teenage nonsense to you so if you enjoy me writing about this please leave a comment so I know that I’m not boring all of you lovely non existent readers also let me know if there is anything you want to hear my view on because I have some ideas but it would be great to know what you actually find interesting I’m going to go because it’s getting later and later see you in my next instalment of this train wreck -Rose X

 

Rejection 2 the back story revisited

Okay so that last part was getting long .I’m going to have to split this into..well I don’t know the draft looks four parts but I don’t know the other parts will also most likely go up today.So with our further addue here is part two (what is this doctor Seuss )

Right back to where we were we’ll get you keyed up on the context so I’m going to introduce you to the people in going to talk about and then give a brief time line.

Georgia

Georgia is OBSESSED with him.She called what was essentially public dibs on him on a school trip and the rest is history.I hear you oh so non existent readers so what she’s not even close to him rose so what some girl likes him …. well I made really close friends with her .Just to elaborate on the obsession her BFF Lola jokingly said she was pregnant with his kid(don’t you just wish you could bleach your mind) she said she liked the name Maisie the baby shower would be orange- his favourite colour -and I quote the baby would have his sexy and his sexy hand and his sexy smile then I left the table to grab my book  and when I came back she said it was  goood I do not want to know the contents of that conversation.Like Georgia  i doubt you were even wearing a real bra yet calm yourself (I know I said it was doctor  Seuss but this is turning Louise rennison  real quick)

Ella-may

She convinced me to put me first for once and do if I wanted to because Georgia doesn’t give up as I write this she’s asked him out four times.She convinced me not to just sit back and get hurt

Courtney

Georgia’s close friend at my confidant she kept me Sane through out this process.Georgia and I are just as close to her so she felt a little guilty and I briefly thought she  told them it was my turn to be guilty she’s been so great .

Sandra

Thank God she was around she was the only one who could comfort me due in my mini panic attacks and she helped me through the after math .I  would have ran of a cliff by now if it wasn’t for her

Milly

Thought it would be fun to watch .If you’re a sadist then she was right .Just kidding she was great too.

Jade

My childhood friend I hadn’t seen in ages was there to make me laugh .She succeeded at her job

Timeline

September 2017                                                                                      I meet him in all his nerdy  haloness .

Early October 2017                                                                                I definitely like him now every time  i can’t sleep I wait up till 11:11and wish for him to like me

Early October  2017 to January.                                                           He is my closest guy friends not tell him all my secrets close but I f we sit  boy girl I always go straight to him we hang out at break on occasion

January 2018

I make friends with Georgia a little

May 2018                                                                                                  Georgia happens he is now called

I’m not sure where to fit this in  because it goes in with a lot of the others   march – late May  flirt mania he catches my eye across class rooms and smiles pulls faces at me during register so I’ll laugh he’ll just do anything to make me laugh .Some people genuinely thought we were dating on the sly ….I wish .I was briefly convinced he was gonna ask me out but it just wasn’t going to happen

April to late May.                                                                                   Michelle is Michelle i don’t feel like laughing so I ignore him after breaks and in lessons were Michelle is also in our class i feel bad but he won’t leave it so I snap .Eventually I always give in and laugh but sometimes he won’t joke with me for weeks at a time .

June ?

I tell Courtney at first I didn’t want to but peer pressure happened so I told her and she was fine with it.

~Summer holidays ~

I thought I’d get over it heads up I didnt

I become closer and closer to  Georgia

I decide to ask him out by January 2019 you’ll find out why this can’t happen soon

I start to construct the type of notes I want to give to him none of them are good but I don’t really care much

I obsessively discuss every possible situation with Sandra I spend most of my summer thinking of his jawline I can’t help it .

~Summer holidays over ~

September 2018.                                                                                 He says he’s leaving in May …safe to say I am not best impressed to learn this

Late September 2018 my plan is ready i will do it the day before the October holidays start that way he has one day to respond in person of he wants  .I have my note. If you read the previous part you know what happened to Isla  I’m worried it will be the same this way if he says  notes only got  a day to spread it before we have two weeks of he’s still going on about it then he’s going to look sad not me that also means I have two weeks to move on . If he says he’s we have four months before we have to decide weather or not to break up when he moved He is a bit big  headed times he likes to talk about how many girls liked him in scared I will join this list. I don’t want for him to tell Georgia and hurt her but it’s a chance I will have to take or I’ll never move on i just have to bite the bullet and do it . I m going to face time all the friends I mentioned before minus Georgia so that I have people around when I inevitably get rejected which I already anticipated.

October 11th

When the plan was first out to fever I started a count down it is now a week till I do it I scream SEVEN DAYS KILL ME NOW ar any given opportunity  it’s true I would’ve rather died there and then .(coincidentally the 11th is also my birthday )

October 13th                                                                                           At a friends birthday party she talks about another girl who asks him out and how she wouldn’t have been as hurt if she’s said something before doing it .Not that she should need permission he’s not even hers. Anyway I decide to tell her after I do it before he does .I find a loop hole so she won’t be as mad I only tell him I like him I never ask him if he likes me or if he’ll go out with me that way of we end up dating it his fault .(great reasoning )

18th of October well I suppose we’ll find out

thanks for reading guys I’m going to upload more soon I’m sorry if this isn’t your kind of  thing this probably seem s childish and so cheesy honestly I will probably want to slap my self when I look back on this but don’t we all get embarrassed by our last selves everyone reading this most likely thinks it’s stupid that I turned this into a military operation but autism plus and nerves don’t go well they create an avalanche of anxiety so I had to plan so that  I wouldn’t back out..My life has become something out of a romcom honestly any way I hope to see you soon good bye my lovely non existent readers – Rose X

 

 

 

 

Rejection

Hello again my lovely non existent readers ,now as you know I’m in secondary or high school and this post is going to scream teenage angst .So if your not interested i hope to see you again when I finish being a ball of hormones and salty snacks.

Right so you can hear about meltdowns or whatever on any autism blog. But what you rarely get us first hand accounts of everyday normal people things that we’ll all do. What you normally get is a bunch of bs about how we’d never change and how we express our selves  and any one who s been around for a while knows my opinions on autism mum blogs . I’ve never seen anything done by an autistic teen before and I’m sure it’s out there but I want to be out here to for people like me who can relate to me .That can relate to my unfiltered stories of what autism is like after you factor in puberty and school and friendships and toxic friendships and all the general sh*t life hurls at you.The other reason is purely selfish and that is because I’m the strong one i pick myself up when I fall down i suck it up and i keep going at sometimes that attitude gets me no where.I have people i can trust it doesn’t mean i can string the words and the cocktail of feelings together to tell them.All i can do is helplessly repeat  I’m over it now  luck a stick record when quite clearly in not but theres no point perusing me on it im just  too stubborn.You my non existent readers can’t judge me you don’t know me i could tell you i murdered someone and there’s not much you can do you are strangers and here behind my screen i can sit comfortably hidden by my screename. So today my readers in talking about crushes and rejection,which brings us back to the aforementioned angst ,today you are my confidant.

So theres this guy Mattais ,or as far as you know he is.Okay Mattais is my friend… my very attractive (oops who said that) Notice the word friend i told myself that for months but I’m stubborn not even i could convince myself to stop liking him.If you asked me when I first met him Is he handsome ?,Would you date him? I wouldve looked at you like you’d turned a funny shade of purple and said

1 He’s a need he only talks about halo and fortnite and the fact he can speak two other languages ,which I won’t tell you about due to my incurable paranoia someone i know will see this.

2 His glasses make his face look too short -if your wondering they Wi-Fi don’t want to date the alien emoji

3 Height difference much and he likes to say he has a six  pack he doesn’t (boy was i wrong P.S you were warned.)

Rundown of mattiases (how did the doctor say i was high functioning hard botched grammar and a half) personality:

Acts like a f* ck boy  but is sensitive and no I’m not saying that in  an attempt to redeem him if I was clouded by his charm or whatever they say in romance novels i would say so I have chronic cynicism the guy cries over test scores

He’ s popular ???

He has a bunch of friends but he never really fits in it kinda feels like he’s an add on to the group.You think his surrounded by friends you being one of them but when you look into it no one really knows him when it comes down to it

Our first real conversation was about asked movie jokes he said i like singing i like dancing and before he could finish i scream i like trains which come to think of it is probably the whole reason where friends is because I was among the only people in my class who got the reference…honestly explains a lot

He makes fun of me so much he’s always got a new impression of me and various tones of voices to make fun of me he narrates my life he brings up all the times I’ve been a  spaz, not in a mean way ,he makes my fun of my hand writing he play fights me if I put my hair in a bun he tries to get things in the little dip at the top.

He has well dickish behaviour sometimes .My friend Isla asked someone out and he went round to tell everyone when I pull him up on it he never apologise but he stops and sometimes tries to fix  things.

I’m going to have to split this in 3 parts for it to make sense in thinking meet the person who ruined my life, the emotionally traumatic part and then the after math anyway see you soon my non existent readers -Rose C

Ps.click here to see an accurate representation of me latleyhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xD-Huwlg2kY

Holidays

My mum and I think my brother is autistic and she asked me  do you think we should tell your brother about Santa. Some people  say you shouldn’t tell this to autistic children as they will never figure out he doesn’t exist on their own – because I with a HIGH FUNCTIONING disorder so cant figure out that  a morbidly obese man cant fit down a chimney to deliver me presents and eat my food-so take that as what you will they also worry that the concept of Santa could scare them which I can relate to that but I got over it eventually …. anyway it was then it occurred to me our holidays are frickin weird so here are some holidays in the eye of a autistic person.

New Years

The fire works are pretty but not as good as  bonfire night  my sleep deprivation is now allowed however for the most part its an excuse for adults to get drunk and have parties and I will now be using the wrong year on all my dates for months which is frustrating .I would give new year 4 mediocre fireworks out of 10

valentines day

love no thanks I prefer cats pizza and Netflix however I will take discount chocolate and I will have fun taking the mic out of  all the people that are upset they don’t have a boyfriend for valentines day im over here just like chill out your 12. However valentines day is my cats birthday and my cat is adorable so 11 happy kitties out of ten because how could I give my cats birthday a bad rep.

Easter

we go to church I get to chill out with my friends there .Roast dinners are always welcome .However my question is what the hell to giant pink bunnies have to do with chocolate eggs why do they deliver the eggs wouldn’t it make more sense to have an Easter chicken or even an Easter lizard .I would like an Easter lizard  that sounds cool I have a lizard can she be an Easter lizard  I like lizards I want an Easter lizard. Also how do we go from death of Christ to giant bunnies and chocolate (not complaining please don’t take my chocolate ) Anyways I never believed in the Easter bunny as a kid we never really did that we just got me eggs and all was good in life so I give Easter 6 Easter lizards out of 10

Diwali

I am not Hindi or Sikh so I cant speak on the holiday as a whole but lots of people in my community are and I can see the fireworks from my room and  they are so beautiful  ive never seen ones so vibrant they’re so bright and uggghhh I just love the pretty fire balls .My nan lives in a community were every one celebrates  it and sometimes my nans neighbours give her food it is the best food ever. I give Diwali 10  pots of delicious food out of 10

Halloween

Its the best its the best its the best .Morbid humour check .Crafts check . Being a five year old check . Free food check. What else do you need in life . I am a massive Tim burton fan the nightmare before Christmas is my favourite Christmas movie that says a lot . It is finally socially acceptable for  me to scream the Adams family theme tune quote hocus pocus and play songs from the corpse bride and I get to watch Coraline on repeat on no one gets to judge me. I also so love making costumes when I was young we didn’t have much money so I made my costumes even now we can pay I refuse to buy a premade costume I still have to do my make up or make certain things or hunt the internet for it  and that’s all part of the fun. Its one of the only nights when my and my child hood friends are just as close as we used to be and its the best thing ever im  going to give Halloween 30000  fabulous Tim burton songs out of 10.

Christmas

Christmas is overrated I love it but does everyone need to have ads on the tv 3 months before hand no . I love watching Christmas movies  spending time with family  and opening presents  as much as the next person but its just not as fun. Then there’s Santa as a kid when my mum first told me I cried I didn’t want Santa to break into my house I didn’t want his reindeers to land on my roof and I certainly did not  want him touching my presents. So my mum got me a Santa key and left it on the door step because our house doesn’t have a chimney so it scared me that he could get in, at first my mum said he shrunk him self with Santa magic that didn’t go down well thus we made the Santa key .And what’s with elves on the shelves those things are Hella creepy telling Santa what I do its the equivalent of the annoying kid in year two that was like  I’m telling of of you  if I had one of those things it would end up with tape reading snitches get stiches across its eyes. Who even decides  that Christmas is going to be about a morbidly obese man in a red suit with mini slaves  who flies a sleigh  lead by a diseased reindeer .Like who in there right mind comes up with this ?Rants about morbidly obese men aside I give Christmas 6 miniature slaves out of 10.

I’m so sorry I’ve been gone school was crazy and my social life exploded I feel like im suddenly the leader of my friends group I’m not sure I like it I like being the centre of attention and I have a dominant personality but I still prefer to follow others bit of a cognitive dissonance that added to homework meant I’ve been busy ,busy, busy  I should actually get back  to writing posts for you my lovely non existent readers anyways I should probably go socialise with my family that’s just  gotten here  seya -Rose X

 

a funny type of love

Hello again my non existent readers ,I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while long story short school happened and I’ve had no desire to get out of my pyjamas let alone drag my self to then pc to write.

People assume that autistic people are empty echoing shells baron of emotion devoid of love . But if anything I think we are the opposite we feel too much  we cry over little things we get angry and scream and shout because we care our outbursts are justified not to you but to us . We love and we feel sadness and anger and betrayal and hurt like everyone else does. Our love isn’t normal to most its a funny kind of love but its there all the same .

Just like you normal people we love our friends families we get crushes later in life we get boyfriends and even get married .Its ridiculous that this is even a stereotype. For me personally I feel love very strongly I just never know how to show it so it comes out awkward and strange. I remember the first time I ever asked some one out I had liked them for years I just thought that if I left it  it would go away but it didn’t. And I told this girl Orla   we were kind of friends at the time and  she promised 3 times she would wait till I was ready .Heads up she didn’t .She did it for me .In front of his friends .  Not my best moment.. Ahh don’t you just love reliving you child hood trauma ..actually that was only a year ago but two year ago trauma doesn’t sound right so deal with it. Any way moving on   he walked up to me and went is what Orla said is true and I kinda awkwardly    mumbled yeah  and it he tried to make a  joke of it more for me then him .I always kinda suspected he was autistic his brother was and at our school they take autistic people deaf people any kind of disabilities to the school for a tour before moving up and there was nothing else that I could possibly think of so it was oddly suspicious plus are demeanour was very similar either way I’m  glad it was him  and not any one else

bye my non existent readers I’m glad to be back and I hope you enjoyed the cringy anecdote in this post I should hopefully upload again soon see you later

-Rose xx