The return of rose

Hi hello hey  iys rose I’m alive how’s life my lovely non existent readers I’ve done some updates on the site I have some more cohesive parts coming up and I just thought I’d have a little random part here because I feel like writing today .Btw the parts about my rejection I changed he who shall not be named names to miles as I realised his previous name was to close to reality for my liking and I’ve fixed my spelling honestly I’m surprised you poor sods could read any of it my spelling was so terrible (in fairness 90% of this was written well past midnight ) I’ve switched to doing this on my phone now instead of my tablet with the dodgy auto correct -yet I managed to spell things like atrocious right wow I really am only half functional. So I guess I’ll just use the rest of this part to give you guys an upset though none of it wiĺl be that interesting you guys don’t even know me in person and your most likely done with my theatrics

Miles (told ya I changed his name)            okay so he has been 50 shades of passive aggressive he friend ignoring me that didn’t work I’m just to flamboyant he’s tried blaming me

And he’s made comments on my self esteem and other really deep things denied saying it’s just the way he is but I am responsible for everything and he’s been the kind of mine which hurts you but if you bring it up you look pretty like what the he’ll society please can my feelings be valid for once  and then trying to be my best friend 2 minutes later

Montage of all the ways miles has been well .. him

*happy montage music * if you want to really embrace your inner cynic open a tag and play some now

Scene one *art class*,                                            Me:hey Daniel can I have the black paint

Miles : black like your self esteem

Scene 2

Me*roasts every one including miles on group chat *

Everyone *starts roast battle *

Miles*is out of order to Emily and Lorraine

Miles it’s only banter

Miles rose your a shy Cyclops that thinks she’s so funny when she’s not

Me where flex but ok

*private chat *

Miles what do you want with me why are you so can rude all the time                  me b***h wtf (thats what I should’ve said anyways

Scene 3

Me *exists *

Miles *stares*

Me what

Miles Your cheek bones stick out so much it looks like you have tennis balls in your mouth

Scene 4

Miles*somehow acquires girlfriend *

Miles*tells Georgia *

Miles tell rose for me

Georgia *tries to bond over liking some guy *

Me *looses will to live *

Scene 5

Me *is self *

Miles you need to stop trying too hard

Courtney:leave

Miles no

Me *leaves and is crying *

Miles* follows*

Miles :I was talking do you have any manners look at people when they speak to you

Scene six (happens many times

Miles who want to play fortnite

Me sure

Miles yeah I’ll invite you

Miles *is clearly online and playing fortnite.. in a party *

Scene 7

Miles* is annoying for 30 minutes *

Me *playfully (as in joking though apparently he can’t wrap his disproportionate head around that*shut up you spaz

Miles you ruin all my fun your put of order all the time you dont have one nice thing to say about me can you just learn to stay out no one asked for your opinion

What I should’ve said

Me well I’m sorry but they’re my friends too our hall entire friendship is either mutual interests or back and forth insults what do you want me to do scream miles I’m grateful for your friendships between each breath

What I said

…..*looks bewildered is silent for an hour *

5 minutesater

Miles*sits at table * hey rose  *grabs my paper thingy (what it was was isn’t importan)t and writes my Nick name on it

Also  he talks to my friend more when were arguing it’s like you hate me so much why the he’ll do you keep putting yourself in the same place as me

 

Isn’t he lovely

Georgia

She says she still wants to be my friends and we go on this trip thing she doesn’t go to the meeting cos she can’t be bothered .there’s a spare space in my room she could’ve had she gets Molly to tell me she can’t even tell me to my face she then lies to me and say it’s too late for it to change and everything is set in stone it wasn’t shed know that if she was at the meeting I confront her a month later and all the sudden it’s Molly who wanted me gone like yeah right she’s no longer obsessed with miles and it hurts more that there’s no reason for her to hate me but much like most people she hates me for no reason she thought I was fun saw me for what I was the left  I don’t think she ever liked me she just used me to add to her friends list to make her look popular and because courtney Molly Lola and Imogen liked me

My anxiety

It’s still present my parents phoned me one day and said I was having counselling it’s nice but they told me it was my decision and then went back on that promise so that was great

Other

Somehow some human found me atractive  and asked me out I said no even though they where nice because self destructive tendencies I may elaborate on this at some point

Anyway I’m happy to be back and I hoped you enjoyed this I never thought any one would read anything I created yet here we are it’s actually kinda amazing and your from all over the world it’s actually to exciting can if you don’t mind could you leave me some questions in the comments so I know what you want me to write about that would be great

-Rose X

 

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Can I get an answer??

Well get straight into it this time of you haven’t seen the last parts please do and here we go

It’s my birthday party I decide to ask him for an answer because my friends are there and ready for me.So we sit on my trampoline and I start texting now what was said was very specific so this isn’t even partly what he said it’s just enough for you to get the picture

Rose:can we talk about what happened

Him:in a bit for to eat

Rose:okay seya

Him:I’m back

Rose:I don’t want you to feel pressured but I kinda need an awnser

Him:you don’t NEED one

Rose :I do

Him:your nice I like you but that’s it

Rose:I don’t get it

Him:you don’t seem to get a lot of things

Rose:look just give me a straight yes or no I don’t care if you think I’m literal scrum I just want answers

~10 minutes of inside jokes and stalling later ~

Rose:Just answer

Him 80% like you

Him:20% just wanna stay comfortable friends

Brief intermission so me and my friends can decipher weather or not that’s  yes or no and if he’s letting me down gently by saying he likes me but then why is that 80% like wtf dude . It never said how he likes me I think I may have just gotten friendzoned but I can’t say for sure .

Rose: look I know things are awkward and I’m sorry if I screwed things up but I need straight answers if you need time I don’t mind I hope this doesn’t stop us being friends but please just awnse r me

Him:rounded up I like you back but I don’t think we’d last together

which if he had paid attention he’s notice that I never asked him for a relationship I asked him if he likes me back to which he said …yes?????????????(infinate question marks )

SPOILER I didn’t get it at this point so I’m about to be stupid and push it

Rose: I still want yes or no it’s really not to hard

Him:I can’t give you one answer but I like you a little

so  in short my answer was yes … But no yes he likes me but no not even he would date that mess (are you noticing a pattern in my life here )

Okay so  were up to speed and now is where the story ends and the rant  begins ,1 )We didn’t have a relationship nothing was followed up. So it was a no just tell me no I can deal with you saying no in a big girl I can handle it for the love just tell me no so I don’t have to decipher your cryptic message, so don’t have to sit up till three am reading it, so I don’t have to psycho analyse it so I don’t figure out what it means literally when I wrote the first post .Evidently you couldn’t have liked me that much of you said no.2)Don’t erase it from your life when we went back he was able to act seamlessly not a single hint of a side glance. It was like that day never happened anyone on the outside wouldn’t even know I honestly feel like I’ve been placed in an alternate universe where I backed out and nothing happened .My friends want me to ask him if he has an awnser again but  it’s too late now so I guess I will just keep waiting for a text message that will never come .3)Don’t be passive aggressive the only clue it ever happened  there’s this vine or a tiktok meme that goes don’t you even like me a little bit …no I don’t even like you a little bit (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QJbW_bN4Vcc here it is watch at your own risk ) he only ever sings it when I’m on his table ….it’s actually takes so much will power to push him across the room. And well talk about Georgia and continue the actual story tomorrow but I would’ve lost my sanity pleas well me if your getting bored of  my teenage angst because of if you are I’ll finish it here but I hoped you  enjoyed it I will see you all soon and please comment any thing you want me to write about and I hope to see you soon -Rose X

Rejection 2 the back story revisited

Okay so that last part was getting long .I’m going to have to split this into..well I don’t know the draft looks four parts but I don’t know the other parts will also most likely go up today.So with our further addue here is part two (what is this doctor Seuss )

Right back to where we were we’ll get you keyed up on the context so I’m going to introduce you to the people in going to talk about and then give a brief time line.

Georgia

Georgia is OBSESSED with him.She called what was essentially public dibs on him on a school trip and the rest is history.I hear you oh so non existent readers so what she’s not even close to him rose so what some girl likes him …. well I made really close friends with her .Just to elaborate on the obsession her BFF Lola jokingly said she was pregnant with his kid(don’t you just wish you could bleach your mind) she said she liked the name Maisie the baby shower would be orange- his favourite colour -and I quote the baby would have his sexy and his sexy tan and his sexy smile then I left the table to grab my book  and when I came back she said it was  goood I do not want to know the contents of that conversation.Like Georgia  i doubt you were even wearing a real bra yet calm yourself (I know I said it was doctor  Seuss but this is turning Louise rennison  real quick)

Ella-may

She convinced me to put me first for once and do if I wanted to because Georgia doesn’t give up as I write this she’s asked him out four times.She convinced me not to just sit back and get hurt

Courtney

Georgia’s close friend at my confidant she kept me Sane through out this process.Georgia and I are just as close to her so she felt a little guilty and I briefly thought she  told them it was my turn to be guilty she’s been so great .

Sandra

Thank God she was around she was the only one who could comfort me due in my mini panic attacks and she helped me through the after math .I  would have ran of a cliff by now if it wasn’t for her

Milly

Thought it would be fun to watch .If you’re a sadist then she was right .Just kidding she was great too.

Jade

My childhood friend I hadn’t seen in ages was there to make me laugh .She succeeded at her job

Timeline

September 2017                                                                                      I meet him in all his nerdy  haloness .

Early October 2017                                                                                I definitely like him now every time  i can’t sleep I wait up till 11:11and wish for him to like me

Early October  2017 to January.                                                           He is my closest guy friends not tell him all my secrets close but I f we sit  boy girl I always go straight to him we hang out at break on occasion

January 2018

I make friends with Georgia a little

May 2018                                                                                                  Georgia happens he is now called dibs upon

I’m not sure where to fit this in  because it goes in with a lot of the others   march – late May  flirt mania he catches my eye across class rooms and smiles pulls faces at me during register so I’ll laugh he’ll just do anything to make me laugh .Some people genuinely thought we were dating on the sly ….I wish .I was briefly convinced he was gonna ask me out but it just wasn’t going to happen

April to late May.                                                                                   Michelle is Michelle i don’t feel like laughing so I ignore him after breaks and in lessons were Michelle is also in our class i feel bad but he won’t leave it so I snap .Eventually I always give in and laugh but sometimes he won’t joke with me for weeks at a time .

June ?

I tell Courtney at first I didn’t want to but peer pressure happened so I told her and she was fine with it.

~Summer holidays ~

I thought I’d get over it heads up I didnt

I become closer and closer to  Georgia

I decide to ask him out by January 2019 you’ll find out why this can’t happen soon

I start to construct the type of notes I want to give to him none of them are good but I don’t really care much

I obsessively discuss every possible situation with Sandra I spend most of my summer thinking of his jawline I can’t help it .

~Summer holidays over ~

September 2018.                                                                                 He says he’s leaving in May …safe to say I am not best impressed to learn this

Late September 2018 my plan is ready i will do it the day before the October holidays start that way he has one day to respond in person of he wants  .I have my note. If you read the previous part you know what happened to Isla  I’m worried it will be the same this way if he says  notes only got  a day to spread it before we have two weeks of he’s still going on about it then he’s going to look sad not me that also means I have two weeks to move on . If he says he’s we have four months before we have to decide weather or not to break up when he moved He is a bit big  headed times he likes to talk about how many girls liked him in scared I will join this list. I don’t want for him to tell Georgia and hurt her but it’s a chance I will have to take or I’ll never move on i just have to bite the bullet and do it . I m going to face time all the friends I mentioned before minus Georgia so that I have people around when I inevitably get rejected which I already anticipated.

October 11th

When the plan was first out to fever I started a count down it is now a week till I do it I scream SEVEN DAYS KILL ME NOW ar any given opportunity  it’s true I would’ve rather died there and then .(coincidentally the 11th is also my birthday )

October 13th                                                                                           At a friends birthday party she talks about another girl who asks him out and how she wouldn’t have been as hurt if she’s said something before doing it .Not that she should need permission he’s not even hers. Anyway I decide to tell her after I do it before he does .I find a loop hole so she won’t be as mad I only tell him I like him I never ask him if he likes me or if he’ll go out with me that way of we end up dating it his fault .(great reasoning )

18th of October well I suppose we’ll find out

thanks for reading guys I’m going to upload more soon I’m sorry if this isn’t your kind of  thing this probably seem s childish and so cheesy honestly I will probably want to slap my self when I look back on this but don’t we all get embarrassed by our last selves everyone reading this most likely thinks it’s stupid that I turned this into a military operation but autism plus and nerves don’t go well they create an avalanche of anxiety so I had to plan so that  I wouldn’t back out..My life has become something out of a romcom honestly any way I hope to see you soon good bye my lovely non existent readers – Rose X

 

 

 

 

a funny type of love

Hello again my non existent readers ,I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while long story short school happened and I’ve had no desire to get out of my pyjamas let alone drag my self to then pc to write.

People assume that autistic people are empty echoing shells baron of emotion devoid of love . But if anything I think we are the opposite we feel too much  we cry over little things we get angry and scream and shout because we care our outbursts are justified not to you but to us . We love and we feel sadness and anger and betrayal and hurt like everyone else does. Our love isn’t normal to most its a funny kind of love but its there all the same .

Just like you normal people we love our friends families we get crushes later in life we get boyfriends and even get married .Its ridiculous that this is even a stereotype. For me personally I feel love very strongly I just never know how to show it so it comes out awkward and strange. I remember the first time I ever asked some one out I had liked them for years I just thought that if I left it  it would go away but it didn’t. And I told this girl Orla   we were kind of friends at the time and  she promised 3 times she would wait till I was ready .Heads up she didn’t .She did it for me .In front of his friends .  Not my best moment.. Ahh don’t you just love reliving you child hood trauma ..actually that was only a year ago but two year ago trauma doesn’t sound right so deal with it. Any way moving on   he walked up to me and went is what Orla said is true and I kinda awkwardly    mumbled yeah  and it he tried to make a  joke of it more for me then him .I always kinda suspected he was autistic his brother was and at our school they take autistic people deaf people any kind of disabilities to the school for a tour before moving up and there was nothing else that I could possibly think of so it was oddly suspicious plus are demeanour was very similar either way I’m  glad it was him  and not any one else

bye my non existent readers I’m glad to be back and I hope you enjoyed the cringy anecdote in this post I should hopefully upload again soon see you later

-Rose xx

things I don’t understand 1

hello again my non existent readers I’ve got lots of little things I want to talk about so I’m going to compile them into these sort of posts which is why I added the number 1 to the title as this is definitively something I want to revisit without further ado I give you 3 things that my aspie self just cant understand .

unsolicited hugs

Don’t touch me just don’t there is a good chance I will look at you like you have descended from mars . Why do people do this why is this a greeting oh hi  I’m  your friend now let me squeeze you to death without asking. If we are both agreeing on this sure go a head ,but I have friends who just walk up to me and hug me and I’m standing there limp wondering how long its gonna be before they detach themselves from me . I just wanna tell them they have 3 seconds to run just no.., why.

taking things back .

I’m all for taking things back if you didn’t mean them but taking it back to spare my feeling just makes me feel worse for instance when I’m in an argument with a friend and they are just annoyed they have to share oxygen with me(*cough cough *Michelle /my entire”friends group” *cough cough*)and then proceed to take it back the moment I cry .They clearly meant everything they said but because you reduced me to tears its all cancelled now and usually they end up continuing the argument after I stop don’t try and act like you care if you don’t be straight with me I’m a big girl I can handle it . There worst type of this is when they apologise and then immediately undo said apology for instance I forgive you when they were the once causing problems, I forgive you but I don’t forgive so and so,I forgive you but you must admit it was your fault,im sorry but I couldn’t help it etc .Anything were they have to get the last word and your left not sure weather or not kicking of again is worth it or if you just have to grin sand bear it  just bothers me so much.

any one my age

I don’t know were to start with this but what is it with my generation.Were owning ugly clothes that are only popular because they have a celebs name pasted up the side of it riding bikes into oncoming traffic and speaking some cryptic language piff ting wagwan in it blood  having literally no soul and being some brain dead zombie to social media constitutes being cool and is seen as normal  the funniest thing is my parents spoke the same way when they were kids they think they being original and cool but they’re not while they’re obsessed over love island (aka the I come from Liverpool Essex or Leeds I can have sex look at me oh no I’m not enjoying the attention at all whoo im a celebrity now  even though I have no talent and am a complete chav show ) or there fancy watch trying to pretend they’re adults and throwing there brain cells out the window or what ever it is they do everyone else are actually enjoying being kids having fun and actually learning and not being blissfully ignorant for example a kid in my school legitimately did not know what Brexit was or even that it happened or another kid thought that English was the first language there was come on were in senior/high school . How dumb can you be . Honestly I can talk about school and kids from an autistic view all day but I should probably stop .

Thanks for reading my non existent reader I hope to see you again soon Rose X

I’m back

hello non-existent readers you’ll be glad to know I’m back with a WIFI connection once again I uploaded a post about overloads but it doesn’t look like any of you have seen it but it says I’m published it ,if its not uploaded please let me know so I can re upload it thank you -Rose X

overloads

Sorry its been a while my oh so lovely non existent readers, how could I own an autism blog without mentioning the dreaded sensory overload.

As an autistic female I don’t overload as much as most boys do I tend to wait till I get home and have one twice as violent lock my self in my bedroom and throw things at walls .(charming I know) My main causes are generally as follows 1 the existence of other people eg crowded places or egotistical idiots thinking they’re better than every one else (A.K.A ninety percent of my school)2 Noise 3 this kind of relates to one but people expecting me to behave normally the moment some one drops the n word (no not that one get your mind out of the gutter!) I either accidentally-or purposely depending on who’s asking- do the opposite and drive myself other the deep end for not being a functioning human … I suppose it my normal …? Why don’t we go over some of my overloads. I just love going on trips down emotional trau… MEMORY lane.

No grease just no melt down.

This is one of my rare out of nowhere screw this meltdowns in food tech we had to use our bare hands for sausage meat .I was struggling with it have problems with texture. But I made it through  though most of my mates were taking the mickey because when I touched it and since I don’t like grease I physically recoiled and almost took a stool with me .They were just messing about, in my school they split classes into two for catering I got the best half of my class and there’s no one I completely refuse to talk to in there in fact I quite enjoy it . After washing my hands in between each step looking like a mannequin with all the blood drained from my face and having a look on my face as if a convicted serial killer had just entered the room  I was relieved to get the anxiety off my shoulders and stat to clean up . It was fine or so I thought . My friend (well name him Jayson )said “Rose- almost wrote my real name then- you go do the washing up” .I told him I was cleaning the table so he made a start I said I would dry and then he was like you have do some too and I said things like you don’t understand I cant … he called me a wimp and I lost it. I had a crying fit in the middle of class every on was asking me if it was okay and saying it was fine  all my friends were hugging me even some of the boys hugged me (it didn’t help I don’t like being touched) and I walked out the room he apologised were fine, still not my greatest moment.

 The screw you Michelle argument/meltdown

Guess whose back back, back again gain. Who remembers Michelle from my first post well she’s back and just as obnoxious. To tell this one im going to have to give you a bit of background but ill try to do it quick for once:

  • remember my friend James well he got picked on by a scumbag of a person named erm Ronald
  • Ronald decided that by standing up for him I was therefore his girlfriend and he and his army of minions or the prick patrol as Jayson calls them need to bug me too .
  • I have a track record for disagreeing with the popular look at mes im so perfects from my school so they hate me or they hate me by association occasionally they might be nice to me though  they most likely have ulterior motives .
  • some how it works out in my school that 60 percent of them are popular which is probably really bad structure for a hierarchy but would I know I’m just a peasant with no friends .(yes I know I sound salty )
  • Francis is the leader even though he is a rampant chauvinist with severe attitude problems and a repulsion to all lgbtq+ people and  has  a special spot in the underworld reserved for him.

and were up to speed. So I try to tell Michelle who was ranting about her new dog her only notable personality trait besides being obnoxious is loving dogs probably because she is one (Ill stop being salty now.) that Ronald followed me Jayson James and our other friend Laura home threatening to punch Jason for not apologising for insulting him and one of the little rats  billy also lives down my street is going “Do  it now there’s nothing she can do about it” because they all know full well I am double their strength . I tell her he’s bullying me she looks me in the eyes and rolls her eyes I wanted to launch my self at her but I stay still as she drones on about how he’s actually quite funny . I let it slip till the next day (maybe three days at most) Francis who id already argued with before walks up to me and my group and starts saying things like are your all sat next to each other are you lesbians oi  lads  I think rose and her friends are lezzers so I tell him I’m not  his response to that is oh yeah your having it on with Jayson and James  look its the little albino who stuck her middle finger up at as last time ( he was referring to my friend Ella-may who is indeed very pale but not albeenoe as the un educated clown said it) then they just start spouting abuse at me .While all this is happening Michelle seems to have for gotten her ” bestie” emphasis on the air quotes is being insulted and is laughing along and smiling . reminiscent of the first story I told her she was being a idiot stormed off-my best friend Sandra in toe-burst in to tears in the toilet while people were staring at me and just my luck some one in my class sees and questioned me about it I swear to god I should’ve slapped her that day.

the 3 2 1 incident 

Back story remember the nod I made to punching some one in my second post that is this story . Lets do this quickly shall we Oprah is easily the least pleasant person I know she has been since reception might I add her hobbies include making fake social media accounts of people using money to wiggle her way in to cliques my clique (well if you can call it that I’m not exactly happy there but whatever ) and generally just ruining lives for sport much like the last story she makes fun of me since I was a goody two shoes before and didn’t ever swear it sends people in a state of shock I swore at her majesty the royal highness and minions a taken aghast I say I know you don’t have a brain but please don’t tell me you lost your ears too she says I doo have ears and you doo too and yanks my ear I tell her touch me one more time and see what happens female dog -except my choice of words were more … profane . They follow me home pretending to touch me fast forward no more than two weeks I go to tutor to grab my pe kit she pokes me 3 times hard I elbow her harder on my way out and say I said don’t touch me I wish you lost your hands and not  your brain. The retard that is Stanley eggs her on she pokes me . This part is mostly blacked out  but in 3 2 1 I snap and go for her elbow her in the ribs as hard as possible she has her hands out fun fact I’m standing at the top of a tower four flights up with currently boarded up panels at the bottoms of the windows because of construction. If she was to push me I would go through it .She takes one step  closer I punch her twice I must have ran because I remember my friend Sandra saying come back up Mrs last name wants you and I got up she is standing smugly thinking I’m going to get in trouble I get called to a senior members office in tears one of my class mates is in the room staring at me I’m hyperventilating Oprahs standing there emotionless Stanley gets called in and … I get of scot free thanks  to Mrs.Last name . I managed to get Stanley out of it and he still treats me like trash to this day what a fun story … at least I haven’t had to deal with her again.

thank you for reading I might not post for a while as I’m going to be up north Monday to Sunday so if I do write it will be done from my laggy (back at again with non existent words for my non existent readers on my half functioning blog) old tablet so my writing might have a lot more mistakes than usual  bye non existent readers -Rose X

PS I found some really cool art that is pretty much an illustration of my feelings and I wanna share them with you.

 

aspie art 1aspie art 2aspie art 3