The return of rose

Hi hello hey  iys rose I’m alive how’s life my lovely non existent readers I’ve done some updates on the site I have some more cohesive parts coming up and I just thought I’d have a little random part here because I feel like writing today .Btw the parts about my rejection I changed he who shall not be named names to miles as I realised his previous name was to close to reality for my liking and I’ve fixed my spelling honestly I’m surprised you poor sods could read any of it my spelling was so terrible (in fairness 90% of this was written well past midnight ) I’ve switched to doing this on my phone now instead of my tablet with the dodgy auto correct -yet I managed to spell things like atrocious right wow I really am only half functional. So I guess I’ll just use the rest of this part to give you guys an upset though none of it wiĺl be that interesting you guys don’t even know me in person and your most likely done with my theatrics

Miles (told ya I changed his name)            okay so he has been 50 shades of passive aggressive he friend ignoring me that didn’t work I’m just to flamboyant he’s tried blaming me

And he’s made comments on my self esteem and other really deep things denied saying it’s just the way he is but I am responsible for everything and he’s been the kind of mine which hurts you but if you bring it up you look pretty like what the he’ll society please can my feelings be valid for once  and then trying to be my best friend 2 minutes later

Montage of all the ways miles has been well .. him

*happy montage music * if you want to really embrace your inner cynic open a tag and play some now

Scene one *art class*,                                            Me:hey Daniel can I have the black paint

Miles : black like your self esteem

Scene 2

Me*roasts every one including miles on group chat *

Everyone *starts roast battle *

Miles*is out of order to Emily and Lorraine

Miles it’s only banter

Miles rose your a shy Cyclops that thinks she’s so funny when she’s not

Me where flex but ok

*private chat *

Miles what do you want with me why are you so can rude all the time                  me b***h wtf (thats what I should’ve said anyways

Scene 3

Me *exists *

Miles *stares*

Me what

Miles Your cheek bones stick out so much it looks like you have tennis balls in your mouth

Scene 4

Miles*somehow acquires girlfriend *

Miles*tells Georgia *

Miles tell rose for me

Georgia *tries to bond over liking some guy *

Me *looses will to live *

Scene 5

Me *is self *

Miles you need to stop trying too hard

Courtney:leave

Miles no

Me *leaves and is crying *

Miles* follows*

Miles :I was talking do you have any manners look at people when they speak to you

Scene six (happens many times

Miles who want to play fortnite

Me sure

Miles yeah I’ll invite you

Miles *is clearly online and playing fortnite.. in a party *

Scene 7

Miles* is annoying for 30 minutes *

Me *playfully (as in joking though apparently he can’t wrap his disproportionate head around that*shut up you spaz

Miles you ruin all my fun your put of order all the time you dont have one nice thing to say about me can you just learn to stay out no one asked for your opinion

What I should’ve said

Me well I’m sorry but they’re my friends too our hall entire friendship is either mutual interests or back and forth insults what do you want me to do scream miles I’m grateful for your friendships between each breath

What I said

…..*looks bewildered is silent for an hour *

5 minutesater

Miles*sits at table * hey rose  *grabs my paper thingy (what it was was isn’t importan)t and writes my Nick name on it

Also  he talks to my friend more when were arguing it’s like you hate me so much why the he’ll do you keep putting yourself in the same place as me

 

Isn’t he lovely

Georgia

She says she still wants to be my friends and we go on this trip thing she doesn’t go to the meeting cos she can’t be bothered .there’s a spare space in my room she could’ve had she gets Molly to tell me she can’t even tell me to my face she then lies to me and say it’s too late for it to change and everything is set in stone it wasn’t shed know that if she was at the meeting I confront her a month later and all the sudden it’s Molly who wanted me gone like yeah right she’s no longer obsessed with miles and it hurts more that there’s no reason for her to hate me but much like most people she hates me for no reason she thought I was fun saw me for what I was the left  I don’t think she ever liked me she just used me to add to her friends list to make her look popular and because courtney Molly Lola and Imogen liked me

My anxiety

It’s still present my parents phoned me one day and said I was having counselling it’s nice but they told me it was my decision and then went back on that promise so that was great

Other

Somehow some human found me atractive  and asked me out I said no even though they where nice because self destructive tendencies I may elaborate on this at some point

Anyway I’m happy to be back and I hoped you enjoyed this I never thought any one would read anything I created yet here we are it’s actually kinda amazing and your from all over the world it’s actually to exciting can if you don’t mind could you leave me some questions in the comments so I know what you want me to write about that would be great

-Rose X

 

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The anxiety. Level it’s over 90000

Hello again non existent readers,I’ve decided to stop the tale of my rejection for a little bit because I could take that story so many different ways .I’m not sure why you guys seem to have liked it or why you find some miserable sod whinging about her life entertaining but I’m glad you do.

So I get anxious alot…

Like seriously A lot

Sometimes for reasons I’m not sure of and it’s starting to be a problem.I’ve been living my life one nervous habit to the next.Nail biting ,hair fidiling,skin puling ,thigh rubing hand flaping it’s like my usual tics on steroids. I must look possessed.(by the way I’m fully aware my spelling is atrocious however my tablet keeps saving the wrong spellings and correcting half written words to wrong spellings so essentially my tablets a spastic) People are starting to notice I can only state out the window and bite my nails for so long I can’t hide my migraine for ever ,I can only blame my silence on tiredness for so long until people catch on. And that’s the last thing I want. The thing is with anxiety is you know that most of the time it’s irrational you know that you’ll get judged and even if you don’t you don’t want people to worry because at least to me the people around me are my motivation I  get up in the morning for them so they see me as my happy self and I don’t  what that image broken . I’Is like I’m trapped in a porcelain doll the outside is pretty and perfect a little to perfect  it’s fragile and when it breaks your left with me damaged and messy.The only reason I get up anymore is for my friends I don’t sleep I don’t eat much unless I’m in school I eat in school so that people will not worry.I’m the strong one i help every one else up and  no ones left to help me so I suck it up and move on and just pray that no one notices the circles round my eyes Im always a jokester I can’t go silent I have to be noisy and flamboyant or people start to get worried so I  year  my self apart to entertain because i feel that that’s what they deserve they give me confidence they make me everything I am but I have nothing to give them in return.They love me to bit s but loving me isn’t worth it when there are so many other people people who aren’t broken people that can socialise with out having a panic   attackattack (my tablet won’t let me spell that right)

The worst part is I don’t know why I’m anxious half of the time it’s frustrating .To make matters worse the frustration and anxiety combined make me feel sick I get Dizzy and I forget walking from place to place I get headaches and dull pains and it makes me disoriented it’s like I’m floating it feels like the beginning of the worst viral infection ever and within 2 minutes and 2hours it’s gone.The only reason I know it’s anxiety is because despite it all I can hold a conversation and still make people laugh and everything I would normally do it s like being a puppet that only just firgued out they had strings . Even if they knew they can’t stop it only I can do that and I don’t know notice been through this all before I’m underwater and they are screaming at me to get up  but there voices are distorted they can’t swim for me .I have an appointment for it soon I could be diagnosed with something on top of autisim and I can only hope I don’t

This was meant to go up yesterday but I ended up going to sleep I hope you have a lovely Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate – Rose X update my tablet has finally stopped glitching and let me correct most of the mistake sorry if you read the original and it didn’t make more sense – future Rose x

 

 

 

Can I get an answer??

Well get straight into it this time of you haven’t seen the last parts please do and here we go

It’s my birthday party I decide to ask him for an answer because my friends are there and ready for me.So we sit on my trampoline and I start texting now what was said was very specific so this isn’t even partly what he said it’s just enough for you to get the picture

Rose:can we talk about what happened

Him:in a bit for to eat

Rose:okay seya

Him:I’m back

Rose:I don’t want you to feel pressured but I kinda need an awnser

Him:you don’t NEED one

Rose :I do

Him:your nice I like you but that’s it

Rose:I don’t get it

Him:you don’t seem to get a lot of things

Rose:look just give me a straight yes or no I don’t care if you think I’m literal scrum I just want answers

~10 minutes of inside jokes and stalling later ~

Rose:Just answer

Him 80% like you

Him:20% just wanna stay comfortable friends

Brief intermission so me and my friends can decipher weather or not that’s  yes or no and if he’s letting me down gently by saying he likes me but then why is that 80% like wtf dude . It never said how he likes me I think I may have just gotten friendzoned but I can’t say for sure .

Rose: look I know things are awkward and I’m sorry if I screwed things up but I need straight answers if you need time I don’t mind I hope this doesn’t stop us being friends but please just awnse r me

Him:rounded up I like you back but I don’t think we’d last together

which if he had paid attention he’s notice that I never asked him for a relationship I asked him if he likes me back to which he said …yes?????????????(infinate question marks )

SPOILER I didn’t get it at this point so I’m about to be stupid and push it

Rose: I still want yes or no it’s really not to hard

Him:I can’t give you one answer but I like you a little

so  in short my answer was yes … But no yes he likes me but no not even he would date that mess (are you noticing a pattern in my life here )

Okay so  were up to speed and now is where the story ends and the rant  begins ,1 )We didn’t have a relationship nothing was followed up. So it was a no just tell me no I can deal with you saying no in a big girl I can handle it for the love just tell me no so I don’t have to decipher your cryptic message, so don’t have to sit up till three am reading it, so I don’t have to psycho analyse it so I don’t figure out what it means literally when I wrote the first post .Evidently you couldn’t have liked me that much of you said no.2)Don’t erase it from your life when we went back he was able to act seamlessly not a single hint of a side glance. It was like that day never happened anyone on the outside wouldn’t even know I honestly feel like I’ve been placed in an alternate universe where I backed out and nothing happened .My friends want me to ask him if he has an awnser again but  it’s too late now so I guess I will just keep waiting for a text message that will never come .3)Don’t be passive aggressive the only clue it ever happened  there’s this vine or a tiktok meme that goes don’t you even like me a little bit …no I don’t even like you a little bit (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QJbW_bN4Vcc here it is watch at your own risk ) he only ever sings it when I’m on his table ….it’s actually takes so much will power to push him across the room. And well talk about Georgia and continue the actual story tomorrow but I would’ve lost my sanity pleas well me if your getting bored of  my teenage angst because of if you are I’ll finish it here but I hoped you  enjoyed it I will see you all soon and please comment any thing you want me to write about and I hope to see you soon -Rose X

Mission miles

If you haven’t read the last two parts please do .This part is probably going to be the funniest par t before next time which goes into the emotional carnege…excellent.I’m going to try to make the opening short this time as we embark on my tale of rejection.

Our plan is set out path is clear  our squad is assembled via WhatsApp video call we are ready. Sandras at mine were sitting outside even though it’s mid October and to cope with my nerves were listening to music and I’m chugging cold water like there’s no tommorow. I stall for thirty minutes before weakly typing  into our chat and I wait …and I wait …. and I wait. Me and my friends go through every possible scenario while we wait 1 .He could be busy 2maybe his phones dead people’s phones die right? right ? 3 He knows, he has mother effing superpowers he knows and he is going to let me know that he knows and then it’ll be awkward because I don’t know how he knows but he knows and yes that’s not going to happen but seriously guys .WHAT.IF.HE KNOWS. To add to the suspense I will now read the note  to you (well it’s been altered in case he some how finds this ) and add in as many useless details as possible so you can feel the pain I felt ,slough I suppose it’s not particularly painful for you but we just don’t adress that problem. Anyway here is loosely what it said this is going to be awkward but here we go I’ve liked you for ages.I used to think you liked me back but now I know that’s not true. I didn’t know if I’d ever do this I’m sorry I could never do this to your face .Please don’t tell I know you probably will regardless .I didn’t do this sooner coz Georgia.let’s still be friend screw this I’m out .

It’s around the two hour mark and I start stemming like crazy I’ve shaked my had and tapped my foot so many times they feel like separate entities to my body I have my self pins and needles and slapped my desk to regain feeling to my hands I am a ball of nervous energy . At four hours I loose it i text him “I need to ask you something”.When I receive no reply for thirty minutes  my friends start counting down and peer pressure happens without thinking of what happens if he picks up I call him beep beep ——- the phone is put down . In an instance I feel the world fall down around me I know that sounds so dramatic and most of you are shaking your heads and putting whispering cliche teenager dissaprovingly under your breaths but in that moment . I felt it . it’s like when you get caught doing something as a little kid ,or when someone repeats something you said that they weren’t meant to hear , or a phone call late at night and you know nothing good can come of it.The wait for him to respond was a rollercoaster and I had reached the top. I cry to my friends other face time it didn’t look good he could surely assume what was coming and as soon as he saw it it would get around.They try to convince me his phone was dead but that doesn’t explain the initial beeps .

I am defeated the rest  of my friends have long since left  as the hours are growing later.Early for  Was and just as I’m ready to go to bed or more accurately sit and watch particle fall for 8hours ,because how do you sleep after that?I go through all my messages one more time .. He has responded .Our conversations goes roughly as follows

Rose:I need to ask you something

Him:what

Rose:swear you won’t tell

Him:what is it

Rose: *insert more I’ve spent the note five hours obsessing over here *

Rose :It think I already know the answer

Him: And that is

Rose:No???????

Him:I don’t know  what to say

Rose :I don’t think I would

Him:it’s not too surprising but still(side track what in the actual hell does it’s not too surprising mean dose he think his some kind of atractivness God or am I really that obvious )

Rose:yeah it did come out of the blue

Him: ya think

Me:Just don’t tell anyone okay even if you say no I wont be hurt won’t

Him:I am a lost voice

well go over the answer in the next part .I also told Georgia but that also takes a long time and for what was meant to be two parts may soon become five .I understand most of you are older than me because for some reason there isn’t exactly an influx of teenagers reading aspergers blogs on WordPress so this is probably teenage nonsense to you so if you enjoy me writing about this please leave a comment so I know that I’m not boring all of you lovely non existent readers also let me know if there is anything you want to hear my view on because I have some ideas but it would be great to know what you actually find interesting I’m going to go because it’s getting later and later see you in my next instalment of this train wreck -Rose X

 

Rejection 2 the back story revisited

Okay so that last part was getting long .I’m going to have to split this into..well I don’t know the draft looks four parts but I don’t know the other parts will also most likely go up today.So with our further addue here is part two (what is this doctor Seuss )

Right back to where we were we’ll get you keyed up on the context so I’m going to introduce you to the people in going to talk about and then give a brief time line.

Georgia

Georgia is OBSESSED with him.She called what was essentially public dibs on him on a school trip and the rest is history.I hear you oh so non existent readers so what she’s not even close to him rose so what some girl likes him …. well I made really close friends with her .Just to elaborate on the obsession her BFF Lola jokingly said she was pregnant with his kid(don’t you just wish you could bleach your mind) she said she liked the name Maisie the baby shower would be orange- his favourite colour -and I quote the baby would have his sexy and his sexy tan and his sexy smile then I left the table to grab my book  and when I came back she said it was  goood I do not want to know the contents of that conversation.Like Georgia  i doubt you were even wearing a real bra yet calm yourself (I know I said it was doctor  Seuss but this is turning Louise rennison  real quick)

Ella-may

She convinced me to put me first for once and do if I wanted to because Georgia doesn’t give up as I write this she’s asked him out four times.She convinced me not to just sit back and get hurt

Courtney

Georgia’s close friend at my confidant she kept me Sane through out this process.Georgia and I are just as close to her so she felt a little guilty and I briefly thought she  told them it was my turn to be guilty she’s been so great .

Sandra

Thank God she was around she was the only one who could comfort me due in my mini panic attacks and she helped me through the after math .I  would have ran of a cliff by now if it wasn’t for her

Milly

Thought it would be fun to watch .If you’re a sadist then she was right .Just kidding she was great too.

Jade

My childhood friend I hadn’t seen in ages was there to make me laugh .She succeeded at her job

Timeline

September 2017                                                                                      I meet him in all his nerdy  haloness .

Early October 2017                                                                                I definitely like him now every time  i can’t sleep I wait up till 11:11and wish for him to like me

Early October  2017 to January.                                                           He is my closest guy friends not tell him all my secrets close but I f we sit  boy girl I always go straight to him we hang out at break on occasion

January 2018

I make friends with Georgia a little

May 2018                                                                                                  Georgia happens he is now called dibs upon

I’m not sure where to fit this in  because it goes in with a lot of the others   march – late May  flirt mania he catches my eye across class rooms and smiles pulls faces at me during register so I’ll laugh he’ll just do anything to make me laugh .Some people genuinely thought we were dating on the sly ….I wish .I was briefly convinced he was gonna ask me out but it just wasn’t going to happen

April to late May.                                                                                   Michelle is Michelle i don’t feel like laughing so I ignore him after breaks and in lessons were Michelle is also in our class i feel bad but he won’t leave it so I snap .Eventually I always give in and laugh but sometimes he won’t joke with me for weeks at a time .

June ?

I tell Courtney at first I didn’t want to but peer pressure happened so I told her and she was fine with it.

~Summer holidays ~

I thought I’d get over it heads up I didnt

I become closer and closer to  Georgia

I decide to ask him out by January 2019 you’ll find out why this can’t happen soon

I start to construct the type of notes I want to give to him none of them are good but I don’t really care much

I obsessively discuss every possible situation with Sandra I spend most of my summer thinking of his jawline I can’t help it .

~Summer holidays over ~

September 2018.                                                                                 He says he’s leaving in May …safe to say I am not best impressed to learn this

Late September 2018 my plan is ready i will do it the day before the October holidays start that way he has one day to respond in person of he wants  .I have my note. If you read the previous part you know what happened to Isla  I’m worried it will be the same this way if he says  notes only got  a day to spread it before we have two weeks of he’s still going on about it then he’s going to look sad not me that also means I have two weeks to move on . If he says he’s we have four months before we have to decide weather or not to break up when he moved He is a bit big  headed times he likes to talk about how many girls liked him in scared I will join this list. I don’t want for him to tell Georgia and hurt her but it’s a chance I will have to take or I’ll never move on i just have to bite the bullet and do it . I m going to face time all the friends I mentioned before minus Georgia so that I have people around when I inevitably get rejected which I already anticipated.

October 11th

When the plan was first out to fever I started a count down it is now a week till I do it I scream SEVEN DAYS KILL ME NOW ar any given opportunity  it’s true I would’ve rather died there and then .(coincidentally the 11th is also my birthday )

October 13th                                                                                           At a friends birthday party she talks about another girl who asks him out and how she wouldn’t have been as hurt if she’s said something before doing it .Not that she should need permission he’s not even hers. Anyway I decide to tell her after I do it before he does .I find a loop hole so she won’t be as mad I only tell him I like him I never ask him if he likes me or if he’ll go out with me that way of we end up dating it his fault .(great reasoning )

18th of October well I suppose we’ll find out

thanks for reading guys I’m going to upload more soon I’m sorry if this isn’t your kind of  thing this probably seem s childish and so cheesy honestly I will probably want to slap my self when I look back on this but don’t we all get embarrassed by our last selves everyone reading this most likely thinks it’s stupid that I turned this into a military operation but autism plus and nerves don’t go well they create an avalanche of anxiety so I had to plan so that  I wouldn’t back out..My life has become something out of a romcom honestly any way I hope to see you soon good bye my lovely non existent readers – Rose X

 

 

 

 

Rejection

Hello again my lovely non existent readers ,now as you know I’m in secondary or high school and this post is going to scream teenage angst .So if your not interested i hope to see you again when I finish being a ball of hormones and salty snacks.

Right so you can hear about meltdowns or whatever on any autism blog. But what you rarely get us first hand accounts of everyday normal people things that we’ll all do. What you normally get is a bunch of bs about how we’d never change and how we express our selves  and any one who s been around for a while knows my opinions on autism mum blogs . I’ve never seen anything done by an autistic teen before and I’m sure it’s out there but I want to be out here to for people like me who can relate to me .That can relate to my unfiltered stories of what autism is like after you factor in puberty and school and friendships and toxic friendships and all the general sh*t life hurls at you.The other reason is purely selfish and that is because I’m the strong one i pick myself up when I fall down i suck it up and i keep going at sometimes that attitude gets me no where.I have people i can trust it doesn’t mean i can string the words and the cocktail of feelings together to tell them.All i can do is helplessly repeat  I’m over it now  luck a stuck record when quite clearly in not but theres no point perusing me on it im just  too stubborn.You my non existent readers can’t judge me you don’t know me i could tell you i murdered someone and there’s not much you can do you are strangers and here behind my screen i can sit comfortably hidden by my screename. So today my readers in talking about crushes and rejection,which brings us back to the aforementioned angst ,today you are my confidant.

So theres this guy miles ,or as far as you know he is.Okay Miles is my friend… my very attractive (oops who said that) Notice the word friend i told myself that for months but I’m stubborn not even i could convince myself to stop liking him.If you asked me when I first met him Is he handsome ?,Would you date him? I wouldve looked at you like you’d turned a funny shade of purple and said

1 He’s a nerd he only talks about halo and fortnite and the fact he can speak two other languages ,which I won’t tell you about due to my incurable paranoia someone i know will see this.

2 His glasses make his face look too short -if looks so disproportionate a bit like the alien emoji

3 Height difference much and he likes to say he has a six  pack he doesn’t (boy was i wrong P.S you were warned.)

Rundown of mileses (how did the doctor say i was high functioning talk about botched grammar and a half) personality:

Acts like a f* ck boy  but is sensitive and no I’m not saying that in  an attempt to redeem him if I was clouded by his charm or whatever they say in romance novels i would say so I have chronic cynicism the guy cries over test scores

He’ s popular ???

He has a bunch of friends but he never really fits in it kinda feels like he’s an add on to the group.You think his surrounded by friends you being one of them but when you look into it no one really knows him when it comes down to it

Our first real conversation was about asdf movie jokes he said i like singing i like dancing and before he could finish i scream i like trains which come to think of it is probably the whole reason where friends is because I was among the only people in my class who got the reference…honestly explains a lot

He makes fun of me so much he’s always got a new impression of me and various tones of voices to make fun of me he narrates my life he brings up all the times I’ve been a  spaz, not in a mean way ,he makes my fun of my hand writing he play fights me if I put my hair in a bun he tries to get things in the little dip at the top.

He has well dickish behaviour sometimes .My friend Isla asked someone out and he went round to tell everyone when I pull him up on it he never apologise but he stops and sometimes tries to fix  things.

I’m going to have to split this in 3 parts for it to make sense in thinking meet the person who ruined my life, the emotionally traumatic part and then the after math anyway see you soon my non existent readers -Rose X

Ps.click here to see an accurate representation of me latleyhttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xD-Huwlg2kY

a funny type of love

Hello again my non existent readers ,I’m sorry I haven’t been around for a while long story short school happened and I’ve had no desire to get out of my pyjamas let alone drag my self to then pc to write.

People assume that autistic people are empty echoing shells baron of emotion devoid of love . But if anything I think we are the opposite we feel too much  we cry over little things we get angry and scream and shout because we care our outbursts are justified not to you but to us . We love and we feel sadness and anger and betrayal and hurt like everyone else does. Our love isn’t normal to most its a funny kind of love but its there all the same .

Just like you normal people we love our friends families we get crushes later in life we get boyfriends and even get married .Its ridiculous that this is even a stereotype. For me personally I feel love very strongly I just never know how to show it so it comes out awkward and strange. I remember the first time I ever asked some one out I had liked them for years I just thought that if I left it  it would go away but it didn’t. And I told this girl Orla   we were kind of friends at the time and  she promised 3 times she would wait till I was ready .Heads up she didn’t .She did it for me .In front of his friends .  Not my best moment.. Ahh don’t you just love reliving you child hood trauma ..actually that was only a year ago but two year ago trauma doesn’t sound right so deal with it. Any way moving on   he walked up to me and went is what Orla said is true and I kinda awkwardly    mumbled yeah  and it he tried to make a  joke of it more for me then him .I always kinda suspected he was autistic his brother was and at our school they take autistic people deaf people any kind of disabilities to the school for a tour before moving up and there was nothing else that I could possibly think of so it was oddly suspicious plus are demeanour was very similar either way I’m  glad it was him  and not any one else

bye my non existent readers I’m glad to be back and I hope you enjoyed the cringy anecdote in this post I should hopefully upload again soon see you later

-Rose xx